Unfortunately our relationship hasn’t gone any further than McDonalds...

In this chapter, we won’t dwell upon the aspects of family psychology that we’ll discuss later. Here I’m going to reveal some regularities of the initial stage of a relationship that I have learned from my own experience.

Of course, it is a bit sacrilegious to invent any rules for human relationships but in the course of the seminar "Advanced Russian Design of Relationship" I got added evidence that information is better absorbed if it is presented in a form of drawings, handouts, rules, formulas and charts. Therefore, below you’ll find some rule, which are somewhat controversial and categorical but may provide a tangible assistance to you in case most of your first attempts to build a relationship end before they even begin:

* NEVER start an affair with a man/woman, who experiences more life problems than you do. You have to understand that any adult is extremely difficult to be changed from without. For this very reason, if you met a person who has problems with relatives, inclination to depression or mental disorders, etc, you have to think several times before starting the relationship with him/her. Remember, his/her problems are the thing you are probably not able to change and even if you manage to do so that does not mean this man or woman will stay with you afterwards.

* DO NOT make calls too often. This shows your dependence and thirst for attention. Many of your potential partners will tend to incline you to frequent telephone calls. If you have little experience with the opposite sex the occasional phone calls will help you to keep the mystery, keep the intrigue, keep the game on. Let your every talk on the phone be a surprise. Inflame his/her desire to meet you.

* Meet with your partner NOT MORE than twice a week. Give your man /woman a chance to miss you! Have you ever noticed to what extent people can be obsessed with the desire to get something and how indifferent they can become towards the object of their desire when they get it? Rare meetings arouse the need to win your heart, to fight for your attention. In addition occasional meetings will allow you to be pleased by his/her behavior not only in everyday communication but also in bed.

* The relationships MUST NOT develop too quickly. Most relationships break down because people rush and do things too fast. That happens for several reasons. First, in the beginning they do not have enough time to know each other. And only later they see they cannot stand each other and it destroys their union from within. Second thing is that suddenly started passion takes away a lot of physical and mental energy and resources and just after a few weeks both partners cannot endure such furious pace, so they get tired and exhausted. Third, the quick relationships make people go jumping off the deep end. In other words, they forget about their relatives, their friends, troubles at work, and everyday problems. They simply turn off logical brain and neglect all their business. Sooner or later they will face everything that accumulated within their affair and then the mind begins to actively protest.

* NEVER demonstrate devotion and commitment at the beginning of your relationship. Don’t do that. This is the very moment when your assistance and help may completely ruin your partner’s interest in you. It is a period when you need to think of yourself and make him/her respect you. And your excessive involvement, sponsorship or psychological support, etc will greatly increase the risk to get the role of another “just friend” of him/her or even a “trash bin” for his/her problems.

* DO NOT take patiently any disrespect for you. This style of behavior you need to stick to from the moment when you first saw him/her. Literally from the first contact you have to be permanently ready for his/her “tests”. ALWAYS be ready! Otherwise, you will look too needy and he/she at the best will keep you for collection. If a man/woman has learned initially he/she can treat you bad it would be extremely hard to convince him/her in the opposite later. Remember: prophylaxis is always easier than treatment!

* Jealousy in a healthy relationship MUST be healthy. Do not blame your partner if he or she flirts with other men/women sometimes. On the contrary, be occupied with the same thing. Expand your circle of friends, flirt with any man/woman without exception, make them compliment, pitch the woo with them, etc. Keep in mind that if what causes jealousy is never corroborated the relationship never breaks down - it may only get stronger.

* MAKE experiments in sexual life. Nothing makes people feel so distant to each other than monotonous intimacy! Adventurous character is attractive not only in everyday life but in sex as well. If you're used to be gentle in bed try to switch to a more passionate, active and rough pattern and vice versa. Look at the bed, as at the last place where you'd like to have sex. Try new places, new opportunities, new techniques and new positions. Actually, you can read a lot on the subject in specialized books. The more so because there are plenty of them available on the market.

* Pay LESS attention to the words. Sooner or later everyone comes to the conclusion that words are of secondary importance in this world. Judging your partner and the relationship by actions is a kind of telescope, through which you should watch a man or a woman by your side. Think about whether his/her words match what he or she does. And be careful with the declaration of love. At the first stage of relationship it may greatly reduce the interest of your partner, putting him/her in a leading role.

* BOTH partners need to invest efforts in relationship otherwise it will collapse. Perhaps this is the most important rule. In order to build your relationship with a man or a woman each of you should be skilful both at giving and at taking, you both should show activity by asking yourself: “What can I do to make our relationship better?” The reason for the breakup of any couple is usually the fact that at least one of the partners let the relationship take its course. Do not repeat this mistake of millions. Find a man/woman who is eager to meat you halfway.

In the chapter "How relationships work" we’ll see how the shift in emotional balance in a relationship make many couples break up. However following the above listed rules will help you to avoid that and take control over the relationship from the very first meeting. You may find similar pieces of advice in all sorts of books on popular psychology, pick-up, becoming alpha man or alpha woman, etc. But unfortunately, deep understanding of relationship regularities is very rarely presented in this literature, so thoughtless copying of neat patterns from such books could lead to grave consequences.

In this regard, I ask you to always think carefully about why and for what purpose you perform certain actions. As I’ve mentioned above, natural human reaction to increased attention of a new or familiar partner is estrangement, and natural response to coolness is the attempt to be closer, to court, to declare his/her love, etc. Such innate behavior is not always justified in terms the outcome and, as a rule, wrong. However, the knowledge obtained in this book will help you to act much more competently and constructively. In order to develop more harmonious relationship you need to respond by emotional connection to your partner’s attempts become closer to you, and by emotional distancing to his/her coolness. For initial stage of relationship the most perspective formula sounds like this: get closer in response to affection and get farther in response to coolness.

Before moving to the next chapter which is about designing the relationship of your dreams, I want to familiarize you with a good parable which my grandfather told me long ago. When I heard it for the first time a new thought occurred to me, which may be better formulated by the words from the song “Lucky” sang by Joey Tempest: “If you have someone lieing there with you tonight, I hope you now how lucky you are”. Here is the parable by the way:

"Every person on this planet is like a small cogwheel with a unique pattern of cogs. He/she turns in a huge life mechanism trying to be helpful and involved in the movement process of the complicated mechanism of Space called Life.

Some of the cogwheels are spinning idle without touching anything. Some of them try to catch another cogwheel to put it into motion that will mirror that of their own. But all the sprockets have different patterns of cogs and, moreover, some of them rotate in different directions and at different angles.

A man and woman when they first meet each other look like the cogwheels. They BOTH want to rotate synchronously with each other but it does not happen right away. They split off extraneous cogs from each other leaving hollows and splinters of their cogs in the other sprocket. Trying to make the partner’s pattern look like their own one they don’t realize that their own cogwheel pattern is ALSO changing irreversibly. And the more they rub against each other, the more their movements become synchronous and smooth. It is not always the same as the wanted it to be in the beginning... it gets even better, even cleaner, even smoother.

After some time their movement styles becomes completely identical to each other right up to a mirror reflection. They become a perfect happy couple, who managed to stand the pain of grinding-in.

Some wheels do not cope with such trials and break up... But the imprint has already changed... Deepenings and hollows from the other cogs will remain forever in their bodies while they keep moving... And when they meet a new cogwheel on their way it will be harder and harder to fit into each other. Eventually a time may come when it will be even impossible."