“What made marriage so difficult back then was
yet again that instigator of so many other sorts of heartbreak: the oversize
More than five years ago I found some
literature on such discipline as "Ethology". It is the science that
studies the mechanisms of instinctive behavior of animals and from this
standpoint tries to explain many features of human life such as hierarchy,
social roles, morality, love, family, unfaithfulness, social traditions and so
on. I was shocked with how simply ethology explains the processes taking place
around us every day. At the same time, these explanations appreciably differed
from those of classical psychology stating that the major determinants of a
person's identity is his environment and his experience gained mostly in
childhood. I also paid attention to works of modern psychologists who believe
that the identity of the person is mainly determined by his own choices and
decisions. On the pages of this book I have attempted to combine different
concepts of my colleagues, examining the human identity and relationships from
different sides and angles.
The result of such efforts was the
development of the theory which I call the triple brain concept. According to
this theory, human thinking can be conceptually divided into three parts, each
of them is to some extent controls our desires and aspirations.
* The first component called the logical brain
helps us to objectively evaluate the surrounding reality, to set goals and to
build plans to achieve them, to make deliberate decisions and draw conclusions
basing on the past experience.
* The second component is an emotional brain.
This brain is responsible for such our inner manifestations of our behavior as
affection, conscience, nostalgia, inspiration, tenderness, vanity, romance,
* Finally, the third component is the instinctive
brain. It is in charge of the management of our primary needs such as
sleep, rest, food, sex, and security.
All three components of thinking regularly
come into a confrontation with each other and the fight between the last two is
usually more severe. One of the most illustrative examples of such
confrontations is the process of finding a partner for relationship.
Each brain has its own opinion about the best
potential partner and, while men do not suffer much from contradictions between
logical and emotional and instinctive brains, the things for women are
Logical brain forces both men and women to
look for partners corresponding to their cultural and intellectual level, the
ones from similar social groups and with a similar mentality, those whom they
are not ashamed to present to their relatives and friends, who conforms with
those percepts and beliefs that were shaped in childhood.
Emotionally men are looking for good
mothers, wives and friends. Sensual part of brain attract them to open,
sociable, romantic and sympathetic women. In turn, the emotional brain of women
encourages them to seek for good husbands, potential fathers, reliable, loyal
and stable partners, courteous romantics and family oriented persons. With
support of this brain we create a family - a unit of society providing the best
conditions for bringing up kids and preparing them for adult life.
Instinctive brain, which usually plays the
leading role when we choose a partner, offers men and women quite different
First, the satisfaction of one of the most
important and ancient of our instincts, which is procreation, ensuring the
development of mankind as a system, determines for men and women completely
different strategies for finding a partner. In order to pass their gene pool to
the next generations with the greatest probability, men due to understandable
reasons stick more to a quantitative strategy of “collecting women's bodies”,
while women are much more oriented to focus on winning men's hearts in order to
later select the right man with the best gene pool.
Secondly, the criteria of choosing a
partner are also different. Men instinctively are attracted to women’s
appearance, health, novelty, feminity of behavior, physical weakness, to a
lesser extent - vitality and unavailability. Women’s instinctive brain, in
turn, makes them to choose dominants, leaders in groups mainly in men’s ones,
guys with high social status, self-confident, experienced and resolute men,
carriers of enviable genes, possessors of such personal qualities that provide
the highest survival potential in extreme conditions.
The chance for a woman to meet the
combination wanted by all three brains in just one man is far lower than that
for a man, although the latter is not very high as well.
This explains why despite the mutual desire
to have a partner both sexes can barely manage to find each other. That's why
both men and women need to consciously work on developing particular features
in them which they lack and which are in great demand.
Besides partner search process the human
behavior is influenced by the three brains in a variety of situations such as
choosing a profession, breakup, overcoming conflicts, interaction with new
people, planning vacations, etc.
The concept of three brains is inherently
not new. Even in ancient India people began to divide the human aspirations
into desire of the soul, desire of the mind and desire of the body. However,
very little attention is usually paid to the three brains each having own
evolutionary age and solving own biological task. Think about it. The main
reason why people do so many unconscious actions is that they make decisions
not by logical brain. Everything that we do, absolutely everything we do, we do
searching for a certain benefit. Sometimes the benefit is realized by us. But
very often, evolutionarily young logical brain is not able to justify decisions
we’ve made. When emotional or instinctive brains come into play we are doing
things that we do not seem to want or, on the contrary, we don’t do things that
we consciously strive for.
The three brains theory allows you to see
the world from a different angle, to explain many complex situations that arise
in your relationship and to better understand the partner’s actions and motives
and that of your own. Please, don’t look at this theory as something destroying
your outlook on the world. Quite the opposite, it provides you a great opportunity
to see it as a new construction material to build your life, your relationship
and your reality.