Mind-blowing Relationship
1. Relationship search
1.1. Three brains theory
1.2. Partner search
1.3. Art of seduction
1.4. Initial stage of relationship
2. Relationship design
2.1. What’s important for relationship?
2.2. Love to yourself and to others
2.3. How relationships work
3. Relationship refreshment
3.1. Intimate space
3.2. Mindblowers
3.3. Relationship crisis management
3.4. Seven-step rescue plan
3.5. What can you do right away
4. Questions and answers
5. Top 50 mindblowers
Appendix I. Making a rose from a napkin

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Seven-step rescue plan

It is interesting, who’s going to rescue elevator operator if he gets stuck in an elevator?

It is necessary to know a person before you marry him. However to know him well, you need to marry him first.

We have already investigated many aspects of family relationships that you would have never studied at school, at the institute or at work. This knowledge makes you one level higher than most of the people who let their relationship drift and never think of the reasons of the problems they face. Now you are a wise person who has much more resources to rescue your relationship than your partner. But this knowledge is not enough. This knowledge will help you to analyze your relationship and build plans for getting closer with your partner but won't move you a single step further towards your goal if your intentions don't turn into actions. Just real actions with realistic deadlines can lead you to the goal you've set.

And even if you start enthusiastic activity now, don't intend that your emotional mood will stay unchanged long. Enthusiasm is a kind of emotional energy that is expended very quickly. It is enthusiasm that makes us for a hundredth time put ourselves on a diet, become excited with a new hobby, quit smoking or look for a new job. But when this emotional state goes away people return to the way of life they used to have before. Probably this is what has happened to your relationship. To make it never happen there is a very effective way - a plan. Say, how often do you take a sheet of paper, write down your goals, divide them into tasks and set deadlines for each task? I bet you sometimes think about it but I doubt you put your plan into practice. And if you do it chances that you include your love life into the plan are really low. The main advantage of the plan is that it would be your action factor even if the enthusiasm is over. And this is 100 percent fair for relationship with your partner. Most of the people believe that family is the part of our life that we don't need to work on consciously. This belief becomes stronger with the help of both folklore and lack of education in this field. But now you have a great opportunity to get out of this dump and build strong and emotionally fulfilling family arousing envy of the others. For this purpose you have to follow the plan that you will now define for yourself.

What to start with? How plans are usually built? Many books devoted to achieving success both in business and in daily life offer a scheme that looks something like this:

1. Define a goal, as precise and concrete as possible.

2. Write this goal down on a sheet of paper.

3. Set a deadline for achieving this goal.

4. Divide this goal into sub-goals and define actions to achieve each of them.

5. Built a schedule in which you set deadlines for each sub-goal on your way to the major goal.

6. Find any person that you will regularly report to on current results of your activity (friend, colleague, parents, etc).

7. Chose criteria for result evaluation.

I hope that after reading this chapter you will build the plan by yourself and start acting by it. But let's do a simple exercise that will undoubtedly help you in creating the plan.

First we need to identify the dominating needs of your partner. Look at the list of needs we’ve composed in the chapter “Relationship crisis management”, then select the most actual wants of your partner or think of your own.

After you've identified the top needs of your partner, make up at least 3 actions that fulfill some of those needs from each category.

Now we are moving forward to the most expected part of the chapter - involving your partner in rescuing your relationship. I've already told that you and you and only you bear the most responsibility for your relationship since the behavior of your partner is always a projection of your own behavior. People are much more alike each other than it seems at first sight. And if you start to smartly put work into your relationship I doubt that you partner will refuse to budge and will take your efforts negatively or sarcastically for long period. In fact if we compare relationship with tennis then we can say that the game will definitely start - the question is "Who will serve first?" Now when you've got new knowledge the initiative should go from you. However getting your partner acquainted with the rules of the game will certainly improve the results. So you should not always act alone - you should communicate and cooperate with your partner. To achieve this here is the 12-step solution that I propose:

Step 1. Take no less than 3 actions, aimed at improving relationship.

For this purpose you should use the results of the exercise you've done some time ago. Choose any three actions that are designed to fulfill the real needs of your partner (better to choose from different categories) and/or will improve the atmosphere in your couple. Mindblowers will suit the best. However these may be very small and easy actions. For example, hugging him or her before work. Or to dress more bright and sexy in the evening. Or to tell him/her that he/she is a wonderful farther/mother and husband/wife.

Step 2. Start a constructive dialogue.

By this step I mean the most positive and open start of communication. With no shade of critics or distrust. Chose the most convenient time when there are no urgent tasks and no one bothers you and invite your partner to a conversation. When the TV is off, kids are sleeping and all the phones are covered with heavy pillows, tell him/her that it is painful for you to see how something super-valuable has gone away from your relationship, that this situation is unpleasant for you and it cannot be pleasant for him/her. Tell your partner that you don't pursue a goal to be right, that your goal is to be happy. That it is necessary for you to have relationship built on trust, respect and joint efforts. Show that you took a new road of saving your couple, on which you are willing to put a lot of work into making it happier.

The dialogue itself will probably span for several days and possibly weeks - it is a good sign. Much worse if your partner will resist spending time in such conversations. This type of standoff is quite clear and you have to show maximum friendliness and persistence to start this dialogue with him/her. It is extremely hard for a human to resist forever, considering the fact that you approach him/her with no aggression, and on the contrary offer to "smoke a pipe of peace".

* Here are some brief recommendations to follow before you start becoming closer to your partner:

* No disputes and scandals. Do not agree to keep a conversation at a raised tone of voice. It's better to put the discussion off for a more suitable moment.

* When you discuss the achievements and failures of your couple talk about the relationship itself and the lines of action. Try your best to touch both of you as little as you can. This extremely important in the beginning of the dialogue.

* Leave love aside. Don’t be captivated by speculating with this term. In fact at this very moment it is not that important who loves who and to what extent. The important thing is what to do and how in order to get closer to each other.

* Don't allow blaming in the conversation. Thoroughly formulate the problems that worry you. Remember that you both are responsible for the current state of the relationship.

* Don't let your partner convince you in stupidity of this talk or turn all your communication into joke.

Step 3. Describe the activity you have carried out.

Here you need to tell your partner about 3 actions you have undertook prior to this talk. Tell what you are planning to do in the nearest future, what kind of help you might need from him/her to realize your intentions.

Step 4. Describe your concept of building healthy relationship.

Explain your partner that your opinion of what makes relationships blossom and fade has changed. Describe the insights you had while reading this book. Ask your partner what he/she thinks about it. And once again don't allow any critics - every once in a while ask yourself if the talk is evolving the way you expected. If not don't hesitate to ask your partner to stop and get back to it later.

Step 5. Come to an agreement to hold daily 30-minute conversations in comfortable conditions.

This is an important closing stage of your long dialogue - a proposal to make such talks regular in order to further deepen emotional connection and understanding between you two. The best idea is to arrange such conversations no less than 10 days in a row and stipulate the exact dates and time.

Step 6. Each morning think of 2-3 topics to discuss in the evening, and one action for you to undertake within a day to strengthen the relationship.

Within the scheduled period (10-14 days) you need to make up 2-3 topics to discuss that are connected with your relationship and each of you separately. Some possible topics are given below:

1. I chose you for building close relationship because...

2. I'm afraid to open up to you because...

3. What I hope to acquire by opening up to you is...

4. I believe that our relationship has a good future because...

5. I like to treat you honestly and respectfully because...

6. I need you to treat me honestly and respectfully because...

7. I think that the main barriers in our relationship are...

8. I think that the main resources in our relationship are...

9. My cherished dreams of our relationship future are...

10. I want to thank you for...

And what's more within a preset period every morning you should think of one action that will meet one of the following criteria:

* focused at fulfilling true needs of your partner;

* decreases the level of tension between you;

* affects your relationship in a positive way.

Step 7. Every day perform the chosen action and discuss 2-3 topics in the evening at the "negotiating table".

Now it's time to switch to the final and most important step, which definitively turns intention into action. Those small deeds that you plan in the morning you should realize within the day before you and your partner start a regular conversation.

Now this one is very important. In the evening right prior to the talk you have to play with your partner a mini-game: you need to look at each other silently within 2 minutes. No more and no less than 2 minutes. With no talking at all. This will allow you to look at each other by totally different eyes. This simple exercise will lower the level of egocentrism and tension during the communication. Later you may switch to discussion of made up topics much easier.

Meet your partner half-way if he/she offers his/her own topic to discuss. The main point is not to let the talk come to a discussion of shortcomings of each of you. Stop the dialogue if this happens.

Hold the conversations for about half an hour - this period is quite enough. Try to thank your partner for his/her opinion as often as you can - it will help to reduce tension in your talk and make it easier for your partner to open up to you.

In the end of the dialogue you need to perform one more simple ritual - a hug within 30 seconds. Probably long time ago hugs were a usual thing for your couple and now the time has come to revive those precious moments and add a spark of warmth to your communication, which you both miss so much.

If you've done the 7 abovementioned steps you have almost finished an important work of pulling your relationship out of a deep hole, which most of the people happen to fall down. It's not a surprise since the attention that is paid in society to studying and teaching the basics of relationships building is very little. Now you possess the knowledge that sharply distinguish you from other people, however if you think that by following the proposed program you will swim in a still waters, I suggest that you should read this book again after a while. Your love life, just like professional one, requires constant efforts, thoughts and investments. And if your investments in relationship haven't been enough or you chose unconsidered direction for your efforts, then now you've got a great chance to change the situation once and forever. Your relationship with your partner is your responsibility, your choice and the result of your own growth. In love success is achieved by the one who doesn't save any strength for a way back.

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