Mind-blowing Relationship
1. Relationship search
1.1. Three brains theory
1.2. Partner search
1.3. Art of seduction
1.4. Initial stage of relationship
2. Relationship design
2.1. What’s important for relationship?
2.2. Love to yourself and to others
2.3. How relationships work
3. Relationship refreshment
3.1. Intimate space
3.2. Mindblowers
3.3. Relationship crisis management
3.4. Seven-step rescue plan
3.5. What can you do right away
4. Questions and answers
5. Top 50 mindblowers
Appendix I. Making a rose from a napkin

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What’s important for relationship?

We are more like an acorn, which contains within it all the potential to be a magnificent oak tree
John Whitmore

Indeed, what is important for a relationship? Loyalty and devotion? The similarity of interests and mentality? Sexual compatibility? A normal family model from the childhood? Experience? Responsiveness?

Some years ago, I carried out an opinion poll where one of the questions was: “What in your view is for building a harmonious relationship with partner?” The answers were not simply different - they often contradicted each other. A year later, analyzing my experience as well as experience of my friends and my clients, I came to the conclusion that there can be no strict rules and regulations in relationships since it is a creative process, discussing which it is hundred times easier to say what you should not do rather than what you should do. And I ask you to stop thinking in “right-wrong” terms. It doesn’t matter how right you act. The only thing that matters is whether it works for you personally or not. If two people have managed to build a relationship that makes them happy, no matter which way they’ve achieved this result, even if this road is not a traditional one. In contrast to that, most traditional ideas and techniques concerning relationships turn out to be ineffective and disappointing. But most people continue to use them, because it is always easier to do the same things today as you did yesterday, rather than to try something new and unknown.

This state of things is related to one of the strongest fears, which is common to all people without exception, i.e. the fear of failure. Indeed, our subconscious mind or, more specifically, a bunch of the emotional and instinctive brains, spends a lot of time on ensuring our security, both emotional and physical. The subconscious mind works much faster than consciousness and therefore, no rational substantiation is able to stop us from avoiding anything that can be attributed to this frightful 4-letter notion: RISK. The vast majority of actions aimed at improvement of your life one way or another have to do with to risk. Really, the one who avoids risk, risks the most. But just understanding that new actions are the only way to change the old unsatisfactory way of life is sometimes not enough for self-motivation. You have to turn your intention to improve your private life to a concrete project with a clear action plan and clear deadlines. However we will discuss the need for planning a bit later. In this chapter we’re just considering what should be inside you to make the probability of building a strong and harmonious relationship as high as possible.

Most people on this planet believe that love is something that is sent to us by unknown power, by destiny, by elements. That it occurs without our knowledge and participation and is shrouded in mystery. There are plenty of reasons for such belief starting from lack of proper knowledge and ending with a chronic inability to take responsibility for own life and actions. However there are people in the world who believe that love is one of the ways to make your life more interesting, more eventful and more sensible. With their own hands. And, curiously enough, such people themselves are more interesting, successful and responsive. They easily attract other people. And on the contrary, fatalists often suffer from loneliness and depression. People who know them barely expect ample recoil from them. Well, what can you expect from a victim of fate?

So, now we came to the first critically important quality for building relationships, which is RESPONSIBILITY. Unfortunately or fortunately, people are fairly irresponsible by nature. Responsibility is formed mainly by logical brain which usually gives emotional and instinctive brains carte blanche to make decisions. A person may act responsibly only if aware that this behavior brings him the emotions needed. Responsibility of a person as well as his ability to make sober and well-founded decisions is a critical element for building a strong relationship. I know that at first glance, those having such qualities often seem emotionally closed and callous. But in fact they are just the people who tend to build the strongest long-term relationships, who are less liable to depression, self-reproach or jealousy as well as to blaming and scandalous behavior. They belong to that type of partners who are open to constructive actions when relationship slides into recession.

Whether we like it or not, but in relationship all of us instinctively tend to be in a follower position, some more and some less. Some of those bright sensations that emotional and instinctive brains feel the need for can be experienced only while being a follower. And sometimes the only way to feel that we are under control of the other person is to challenge him/her, to test how professional he/she is as a player. Outwardly everything may look like we want to regain power but really deep inside we dream of facing a more skillful opponent. You may learn more about these mechanisms in next the chapter "How relationships work". Here I started talking of these psychological games, because they can easily cause a substantial harm to a relationship and just only responsibility for yourself and for your partner in relationship as a whole adds solidity and stability to them. Values are much more stable than feelings.

Also, do not mix a sense of responsibility and a feeling of guilt. Blaming yourself or others, as a rule, is characteristic of people with low level of responsibility. Let's consider a simple example. Suppose a person in a new place sits on a chair, which immediately breaks. Responsible behavior implies that a person will think about his/her further actions in this situation without spending any time to consider who is guilty of the breakdown. Likewise, in relationship the responsibility implies developing a plan to overcome difficult situations, rather than searching whom to blame. Basing on reactions to such crises most people can be divided into three categories:

* inclined to blame themselves;

* inclined to blame others;

* inclined to blame fate.

At first glance you may get the impression that people from the first category are the most successful in interaction with outer world. This is true, although such people often try to take responsibility for the things they cannot influence at all. Anyway, importance of the answer to the question "Who is guilty?" when making vital decisions is far lower than that to the question "What should I do?” Think about it, especially if you belong to those readers who are convinced that the root of all evil in their relationship is their partner.

And the last thing I’d like to say about responsibility. Some people believe that men must be responsible for the climate in the family, and some, in contrast, believe that this is women's work. Remember that relationship is being built by both partners. This is a mutual work. This is a partnership project. This is the interest of the both. This is the responsibility of each of them.

The second important feature for building relationship is PROACTIVITY. Preventive actions are initiated by a logical brain only. Proactivity is not a quality that is common for people, led by feelings and emotions. The latter often spend their lives trying to get something valuable for free. They expect financial success without any efforts. They are convinced that there is no need to change something in relationship until it’s like an erupting volcano. We may say they live under the slogan: "Why to improve something, if it is good so far?" or, in short: "Take everything from life!”. Unfortunately, the majority of people live like that.

Proactivity is the desire for continuous growth and constant progress. Proactive people wake up every morning and ask themselves: "What can I do today to improve my life?" Or, in the particular case: "What can I do to improve our relationship?" These people have in mind and plan on paper actions to improve their lives. They understand that even a strong and harmonious relationship need a regular flow in the prevention, of deliberately making them fresh impetus.

There is a myth in society that the quality of the relationships defined by the presence or absence of love between partners. Also that love turns into a logical value, which takes only two digits are often denied itself with ability to change the value from plus to minus or vice versa. This is a very comfortable position since it can explain all the problems regarding the lack of love. But such a dividend as the lifting of responsibility usually is accompanied by substantial losses. The top loss here is in declining quality of love life. If you recognize yourself in this description, I have good news for you since now you know that actions of yours can improve the quality of relationship and just turn them upside down. And very soon I'll tell you how to do that.

Proactivity is the desire for continued growth, the constant progress. Proactive people wake up every morning and ask themselves: "What can I do to improve my life?" Or, in particular case: "What can I do to improve my relationship?" These people have an action plan in mind or on paper for improving their lives. They understand that even a strong and harmonious relationship need a regular nourishment, preventive measures and conscious contribution. The moon is the only free of charge thing in love.

The third important attribute of a strong relationship is OPENNESS. Here I use this term in the broad sense, including a high priority of communication with a partner, openness to personal changes, honesty in the relationship, and personal integrity as well. In an open relationship partners know the real needs of each other, they are always willing to discuss what is important for each of them and they are always ready to seek for compromise solutions to the issues, on which they will never agree. Openness is something that we often see among friends and so seldom among married couples. Open partner is a friend who does not hide his true colors. He doesn’t surround himself with steel walls of the betrayal phobia. His is a healthy person since he is emotionally mature and easily becomes friends with different people. He does not vent his negative experience on his family and friends.

Perhaps you will say that it is extremely hard to be open to a person after the psychological trauma that you have endured in the past. I'm really sorry, if you had sad fate and your life was full of cruelty, betrayals and disappointments. Of course, all these situations exert a great influence on your personality. But "INFLUENCE" does not equal “DETERMINE”. Your adult life is in many respects the result of your personal choices and your personal responsibility. Of course, your experience and your environment are the factors that can’t not be forgotten in a flash. I know how painful it is to be betrayed. I know how painful being hit on weak points by your nearest and dearest. But without openness it is totally impossible to build harmonious relationship. Without openness communication within the family becomes callous and cold. Without openness partners do not think in "we" category; they see only their own interests and relationship is often seen by them as just a competition to be won but not a partnership. If you want to be happy with your relationship, from this day forward you must find the strength to work on raising your own openness in communication, especially with your intimate partner.

All the qualities that I’ve mentioned sound awfully banal, though they are rather rare. In a varying degree they need to be developed by all of us. And not just for improving the family relationship, but also to make life more simple, harmonious and meaningful. Growing personally should be your main goal in building a relationship with a partner. Your personal growth determines your attraction, your self-confidence, your self-sufficiency and the ability to set a desired the desired direction for your life.

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