I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
Woody Allen

A terrible thing happened to me last night again - Nothing.
Phyllis Diller

Men need only sex, and women need only romantic relationship. Who had never heard such remarks? Well, indeed at first sight it looks just that way. Certainly, men and women are different from each other, but sometimes they do not realize how deep this difference is.

In our country the education in the field of sex has not gone far ahead from the education in building relationships. Consequently both boys and girls from generation to generation are surprised and disappointed to discover how much their sexual needs are different and how difficult it is to reach consensus on this issue, which at first glance seems not too complicated. As a result, the attitude towards sex of many young people changes: men occur in the power of fear of rejection and women, in turn, are afraid to be used. Thus, people spend many years of life in search for answers to two questions: "What does a woman want?" and "What does a man want?”. Now, I'll try to provide you with the answers to them.

Sexual attraction is based on the instinct of procreation, which dictates specific requirements for a potential sexual partner. In brief, a man attracts a woman with maximum capability to survive and a woman attracts a man with maximum capability to bear children. Now, let’s go into details.

People are divided into two sexes not by an accident. Both men and women have well-defined biological programs, which have one common goal but are based on significantly different strategies. Women carry a heavy load of giving birth to posterity and therefore her sexual partner selection criteria are stricter. Such qualities of men as self-confidence, dominance and high social status, ability to make quick decisions, responsibility and physical strength, make him very attractive to women, as the offsprings of such man seem more viable. According to the natural scenario, participation of women in the upbringing of children greatly exceeds that of men, so the qualities of a good father in a man are, certainly, important to women, but when it comes to sex, they play a secondary role. As for men, they are attracted potentially good mothers. Men’s quantitative strategy of procreation makes the sexual partners’ selection criteria less strict, but still they would rather prefer a more feminine, sensual, caring and healthy women, with normal hormonal balance and body shapes, which are most suitable for child-bearing and feeding.

One of the leading reasons of low attractiveness of both men and women is deviation from their natural roles. We may illustrate this by an example of excessive infantilism of a man or by excessive focus on career of a woman.

Now let’s do a small exercise. Within 5-10 minutes, write a list of actions that you can perform in the near future to increase your sexual attractiveness.

In addition to the obstacles put by sexual selectivity, the intimacy of a man and a woman is also complicated by many other circumstances. Let’s briefly describe the basic bottlenecks.

A man seeks to speed the flow of coitus, while the woman wants it to progress more slowly and gradually. The sexual excitement of a man grows ten times faster than that of a woman. In addition, the need for disposal of excess sex cells makes a man more interested in the fastest completion of the process.

A man wants a woman to be more relaxed, active and well-grounded in bed. For a woman it is also momentous, but the image that a man creates is of paramount importance for her. Perhaps, the main cause of female sexual dissatisfaction and sexual infidelity is an unattractive image of her partner. One of the most efficient ways for a man to increase his attractiveness and satisfaction of his woman is to change behavior in bed towards more dominant, confident and aggressive one. Accordingly, if a woman wants to increase partner’s satisfaction she should be more relaxed and active in bed.

The well-known proverb which says that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is not a true fact. Men's romantic sensuality towards the woman often awakes only when sex life comes to normal. At the same time, a woman often feels ready to have sex only when she is relaxed and feels men’s warmth and sensuality. Many couples break up because they cannot manage to get out of this vicious circle.

Good sexual life is important for both sexes. For a man it is important to feel that for his partner sex is no less pleasant than it is for him. Men often show apathy and listless mood when they see their partners’ coolness in sexual intercourse. For women good sex is no less important than for men, however a strong need for it usually arises when they feel a spiritual connection with the partner and have regular positive emotions.

Most men see love and sex as notions that may exist either parallel or separately. It is a quite typical situation when a man is convinced that he loves one woman, although it can find another woman more desirable for sex. Unlike women, for men the novelty of a woman’s appearance is a significant attraction criterion, so it is so important for women to regularly change their image in the long-term relationship. For a woman it is sometimes hard to see the reasons that made her husband have an affair with another lady who is all respects worse if compared to her. For her it is difficult to understand that nature made men be attracted not always to a woman that is better, but sometimes to the one that is simply different.

The eyes of a man are turned to the outside world since he is biologically much less focused on building a family so it is quite a common situation when a man feels a heartfelt love to a woman but has no desire to marry her. This fact is incredibly difficult for a woman to understand taking into account that society regards a proposal of marriage as a symbol of male love. As a result, a woman may consider that the man in fact does not love her. Sometimes women are right in their conclusions but in many cases a man is just not well trained to play the expected role, because while she was playing dolls and read stories about princesses in her childhood he just played war games and climbed the trees with his friends.

For many women, besides emotional connection with her partner it is important to feel that her man senses and understands her sexual needs. In principle it’s a simple science but most men do not put the slightest effort to grasp it. As a result regularly organizing monotonous, mute and transient sexual intercourses they think of themselves as of super experts in the field of sex. Assuming that just knowing necessary body moves makes them excellent lovers they often accuse women of frigidity.

When it comes to sex, men become very vainglorious and vulnerable to any possible criticism. For women this fact opens a lot of opportunities, both to take him down a peg or two and to make him bond to you. Men are usually attracted to women who tickle their vanity, especially in bed.

Sex book often say that a man attaches great importance to afford maximum pleasure and satisfaction to his partner. At the same time, in practice, men often tend to make the sexual intercourse as short as possible. A woman should realize that if she often rejects man’s attempts to start an intercourse and puts it off then it may firstly lead to lack of self-confidence and then result in losing all desire to have sex with her. These are the moments when a man begins to think about other women. In other words, her behavior provokes a man to commit infidelity. However, the good news is that women have a great opportunity to make sex life more happy and harmonious. For this purpose, when her partner is trying to seduce her and she has no desire at that moment, she should suggest him doing sex quickly. This solution is most favorable for the emotional atmosphere between partners. As a very useful means at hand you may consider special vaginal lubricants which are available not only in drug stores but also in large supermarkets.

The excitement of a woman, as a rule, arises long before she physically feels sexual desire. Before she wants to have sex directly she starts feeling her own sensuality, femininity and attractiveness. Her attention is drawn to her man. She enjoys spending time with him. And if he does not do any wrong actions, slowly she starts to feel lust. The process of female arousal growth up to physically sensible level may last very long - in some cases up to few days spent together. However if a woman finds a man physically attractive sooner o later the physiological excitement is guaranteed to arise.

Man's arousal occurs instantly. Waiting for sex too long causes some discomfort and tension for him. He finds it difficult to understand that the woman’s desire is different, because he does not feel it the same way. His senses differ dramatically from those of her, and he blindly believes that her needs are very similar to his desires. This very misconception leads many men to commit such a trite mistake - starting an intercourse without foreplay. Sex happening without foreplay most often leaves the woman unsatisfied and irritated. This fact does not allow her to fully expose her sexuality and to love having sex with her partner.

By foreplay here I mean not only preliminary caress, but relaxed communication and building a special atmosphere as well. For both partners to be satisfied they have to remember that coitus itself should be held quickly and passionately but foreplay has to be slow and affectionate. You’ve probably heard this information on the radio, seen on TV or read in books. Women like men who are not in a hurry. Women around the world are so dissatisfied with the way men do foreplay that at every step you may hear the same statements: "My partner jumps on me when I'm trying to tell him how I spent my day" or "He totally doesn’t know how to create the atmosphere" "He does not understand how it is important for me to be loved and to feel deep connection with him", etc. Men, in turn, complain that a woman is cold and passive and she always finds a reason to postpone sex.

What can I advise for married couples to improve sexual life?

The first thing that comes to mind is role-playing games. They contain a strong force that can literally drive both partners crazy. If you put some efforts into preliminary preparation, into creating entourage, into getting into the roles, the game becomes one of the most effective instruments to improve sexual life. The games where a dominant role belongs to a man and a woman submits to him, suggest themselves first of all. Here are some examples: a doctor and a patient, a boss and a subordinate, a local and a tourist, a client and a prostitute, an interviewer and an applicant for a job, etc. Erotic movies and various implements from sex shops are also of great help, but the effect of role-playing games is much stronger.

The second thing I would recommend to both men and women is to strengthen sexual teasing of all types: tactile, verbal and non-verbal. You are to more often touch each other, to play with intonation, to use whispering more often, to involve sexual insinuations and metaphors, to talk about sex more frequently and to silently look at each other from time to time. Teasing creates a game, competition and anticipation, which gradually lead to mutual excitement.

The third thing which is important is talking. There is no limit to which you can increase frankness and openness in your talks. Well, our upbringing often prevents us from perception of sex as a topic for discussion at a dinner time. But only calm and open discussion can show both partners the true needs of each other that they otherwise might never even guess. It is not easy to venture to start taking frankly because you have to take the initiative, which is is not typical for everyday life. But the lack of open dialogue is probably the most common reason of decline in quality and quantity of sexual contacts between partners. Talking about sex is natural and what is natural is not dirty. If you are unable to start a conversation in everyday situations you easily may do it in bed after sex.

Now I am going to give you some brief recommendations for both men and women.

For women:

1. Behave more actively and touchy-feely in an intimate setting. None of men want all sexual activity to come from them. So try to take sexual initiative more often. This is especially effective when it comes to oral sex and petting. A man appreciates such forms of intimacy much deeper if they are initiated by a woman.

2. Sometimes when your desire is not strong tell him that you want to have a “quickie”. Such kind of initiative is the driving force that can keep the passion in almost all relationships. A man learns a new way to perceive intimacy since he won’t be a prey to sexual misunderstanding or to her sexual frustration. He will know that by having a quickie his woman seeks a chance to talk with him, to become closer to him and to give him pleasure. And nothing else.

3. Make sexual compliments to your man in ordinary situations. When a woman tickles the vanity of a man speaking about his sexual strength and talents she satisfies his need to rank higher in an imaginary hierarchical pyramid of all males. The outcome is usually quite pleasant for a woman since a man gets extra energy and sensuality and he starts thinking more about his woman and the relationship. In everyday situations such compliments do not sound as banal as in bed so men believe them much easier.

4. Invest maximum efforts into your appearance. By this I mean not only the traditional grooming which is common to vast majority of women. Here I’m drawing your attention to the importance of looking after yourself not only in order to raise your female social status, but also to make your man want you much more often. Buy beautiful and varied erotic lingerie, go in for sports, visit erotic dancing clubs... Do whatever you like to make your man see your sexuality.

5. Change your image from time to time. Polygamous nature of a man prompts him to seek novelty in an image of a woman he has sex with. A man is pleasantly surprised and radiates sexual enthusiasm when he sees changes in the appearance of his woman. If changes in your look are accompanied with changes in your manner the effect of image transformation becomes stronger.

6. Watch porn from time to time. 90% of porn industry produces products oriented to men. If we consider just movies the percentage is even higher. Films produced mainly for men tend to embody the most common male fantasies. The behavior of women in bed, sexual positions, sequence of actions, oral and anal sex techniques and other sexual practices as well as women's clothing - everything in pornographic movies is optimized for full satisfaction of male needs. That's why these movies are particularly valuable for women, who look for extra ways to raise their sexual life up to a new level.

For men:

1. Add dominance and determination to your activity in bed. Sometimes ask yourself how the most successful man behaves in bed with women. Try to act exactly the same. Perform more experiments - if you are now not satisfied with your sex they surely won’t make it worse.

2. Use the sexually tinged words and metaphors in everyday conversations. Here are some examples of words that can cause a woman's arousal: long, hard, firm, powerful, wet, soaking, open, alluring, tempting, sweet, tasty, delicious, hot, wild, wants, desires, invites, embraces, takes, penetrates, dips, goes into, invades, spreads, teases, possesses, fills, blows, comes, oozes, impulse, pulsation, friction, demon, vampire, eruption. Don’t forget to highlight these words with a heartfelt intonation.

3. Do not be silent during sex. Say your thoughts at this moment, no matter how vulgar they may seem to you, make compliments to your woman during intercourse, use interjections... You may pronounce anything but just do not be mute! Believe me such details will make your woman appreciate sex much more.

4. Make the foreplay longer. Most women want sex itself to go fast but a foreplay to go slow. The result will surprise you thanks to the following rule: the longer is the foreplay the more passionate and liberated a woman behaves during sex.

5. Intensify the caresses gradually. Starting caressing a woman in non-erogenous zones which include cheeks, chin, shoulders and hands, you create a psychological atmosphere that relaxes her. She begins to feel your attention, your care and your love. At this moment her body senses get stronger connected to her psychological sensations. She wants you to continue caressing her. But do not hurry - keep in mind the importance of teasing. Gradually approach the erogenous zones, cover the areas around them but do not touch the zones themselves.

I know at this moment it is difficult to control yourself but believe me, the more you tease the greater sex you’ll have afterwards. Then slowly, as before, begin to pass your finger around the nipple but again don’t touch it. Even when a woman would prompt you to touch the nipples do not do it. Drag this teasing out for at least ten minutes. When you start to remove her panties do it very slowly, as always, slowly. First, move your finger along the waist and the line of underwear. Then again, you can put panties back on her and suddenly switch back to her nipples. In total, the overall procedure of prelude takes about fifteen minutes. Start sex with a woman only when she is obsessed with an insatiable lust. I assure you that then you’ll have an intercourse that will make all previous sexual activity seem like training.

6. Put more efforts in building the atmosphere. It's amazing how the atmosphere created or not created by a man influences the presence or absence of sexual mood of a woman. The atmosphere is constructed of many small parts and there is no magic spell here. You build the atmosphere with plenty of small bricks, that include: candles, interior decoration, cleanness, your clothes, your smell, food and beverages, cleanliness and quality of bedclothes, music, air temperature, sexual accessories, your mood as well as nice words you say to your woman.

7. Show affection to your woman after sex. No matter whether a woman experienced an orgasm or not, her excitement comes down gradually. At the same time there is a high concentration of female hormones in her body at this moment encouraging her be more affectionate and to need to feel tenderness from you in return. For harmonious sexual life it is very important that a woman has most positive associations with sex so don’t even think of turning away immediately after sex and falling asleep.

That is, perhaps, all I wanted to tell you about wakefulness in bed. In future, if you have the desire to improve sexual life you may always take some time and quickly look through this chapter in order to feel more confident in sex and find the necessary actions.